


The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

by IceEckos12



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: 5 times Allen was a naughty boy and the one time things were very strictly platonic, Humor, Multi, No graphic sex, aged up allen, oh god oh god when did i write this, sex is heavily implied multiple times however, sexually promiscuous allen, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceEckos12/pseuds/IceEckos12
Summary: Or: it should surprise absolutely no one that Allen Walker is just as sexually promiscuous as his Master. After all, the two of them did live together during the boy’s awkward transition from child to teenager--it’s only natural.Or: Allen is good at sex, and the Order alternates between being smitten and extremely confused.





	1. Lenalee says ?????

**Author's Note:**

> As an asexual, I've got to say that this story came from waaay out of left field. As in I'm actually genuinely confused? How did this happen? I guess I'm looking for a break from writing Frying Pan or Fire? It's just really depressing sometimes, you know? I could use something a little lighter. 
> 
> Anyway, please note that in this fic Allen is 19, and there will be no underage at any point in this story. Never, not a chance. THAT BEING SAID, there will be some pretty huge age differences between Allen and the people he's implied to be having sex with. Allen is a consenting adult and he knows what he's doing. If this makes you uncomfortable, or if the extremely blase treatment of sex makes you uncomfortable, then turn back now.

It should surprise absolutely no one that Allen Walker is just as sexually promiscuous as his Master. After all, the two of them did live together during the boy’s awkward transition from child to teenager--it’s only natural.

And yet, when Lenalee sees the two of them standing outside of Allen’s room, she stops dead in her tracks, so stunned that she nearly drops the tray of coffees she is holding.

At first, anyone could pass off the exchange as just a normal conversation between friends. If not for the fact that it’s almost eight in the morning, and Allen is leaning on his doorframe as he speaks, white shirt unbuttoned and dark, bruising hickeys proudly displayed all down his chest. Also, the look he is giving that girl, the usually demure one that peaks out coyly behind his long lashes, is anything but shy. His unsettling, sultry smile makes it look as though he is thinking of devouring his companion.

And there is the matter of his companion, a young twenty-something year old finder with long, dark hair and a voluptuous body. She is currently in what looked like a pair of boxer shorts, and is quite obviously not wearing a bra beneath her red blouse. There is a hickey to complement Allen's on her neck, and she is coiling one of her curls around her finger as she laughs prettily at a joke. 

Lenalee stares for a moment more, mouth dropped open wide. Because--no way. It can't be. There is no way that Allen has had sex with a--someone. He is so saintly and chaste all the time, Lenalee had half expected him to be the one of the 'celibate until married’ types. 

It seems that this was….not exactly the case. 

Lenalee manages to kick herself back in gear mere seconds before the woman twiddles her fingers at the nineteen year old and then proceeds to flounce down the hall. Lenalee can't help but watch as the woman leaves, wondering if she’s Allen's type, wondering if they are romantically attached, or--

“Oh, thank you Lenalee.” And suddenly those deep grey eyes are right in front of her, carefully extricating a coffee from the tray. He smiles at her surprised face, for all the world looking as though it’s a normal morning. “That's very thoughtful of you.”

“Y-you’re welcome.” She manages to stutter at him, and this time focuses hard on Allen as he happily slurps down his ambrosia. There’s a very obvious hickey on his neck, right at the pulse point. Lenalee swallows and looks away. And then, because she can't quite help herself, “Uh, Allen…”

Allen looks up curiously, uncharacteristically dragging one hand across his jaw to remove a drop of coffee from his chin. He seems completely oblivious to where this line of questioning is going, which is also a bit strange. Usually he is so good about reading people. “Yes?” 

“Who….” Lenalee takes a deep breath to fortify herself. “Who was that?”

For a second she thinks he’s going to blush and deny it. That is honestly what she had expected him to do.

What she doesn't expect is for Allen to give her an absolutely lascivious grin over his mug and say, “Oh, Lara? Very sweet girl.” He drains the rest of the cup, and drops it back onto Lenalee’s tray. “Wild thing in bed though. Have _got_ to watch out for those fingernails next time.”

And with that, he takes one step back, and very carefully closes the door in Lenalee's face.

She stares for a moment, feeling as though she has just gotten run over by a Level Two Akuma. It is only marginally more pleasant. 

Then she says, “What.”


	2. AKA curiosity killed the Lavi

It's funny. Or well, it should be. But absolutely no one believes Lenalee when she tells them, just give her looks like she has finally gone round the bend. She supposed if she were in their place, she would also think that she's a bit insane, considering who they're talking about. Saintly Allen Walker, who blushes in embarrassment whenever someone compliments him, and doesn't notice whatsoever when someone is hitting on him. Not that sexual promiscuity is a bad thing, it's just….

Allen Walker. Sex. The two just sort of….don’t commute. At all. 

That's why Lenalee is sort of relieved when more tales of Allen’s sexual exploits start making rounds around the Black Order. If for no other reason than people finally stop thinking she's crazy.

“He's such a gentleman.” One woman sighs, and she's almost in her thirties. She has thighs that look like she could crush a man's skull with them, and she is kind of utterly terrifying. 

“He could fuck me any day of the week.” A finder tells anyone who will listen. The fact that it's a male finder raises a few eyebrows, but no one actually gives a damn about gender at all. War, and all that. Doesn't matter if the person saving you is gay or straight or a bloody llama, all that matters is that you're not dead.

The thing that made eyebrows raise was the fact that Allen Walker genuinely doesn't seem to have a type, besides willing and has two legs. His sexual partners can be as young as eighteen, or as old as thirty. He has fucked men, women, and everything in between. Black, white, Asian, disabled, fat, skinny--it doesn't matter. 

Though he does actually have a type, or so he tells Lenalee when she asks him.

“Anyone who isn't going to get attached.” Allen says matter-of-factly, drying some of the sweat off of his face with a towel. They've just finished sparring with each other, and they're both exhausted, which means that Allen's guard is down far enough that he'll actually answer without dancing around the question like it's a professional sport. “Relationships are messy, right? I just want to have a good time. I want someone else to have a good time. No hard feelings.”

“No hard feelings?” Lenalee asks, incredulous. She then proceeds to bury her head in the bucket of water that is supposed to be used to dunk their towels in. She is coated in sweat, and there is no way it's ever going to come off, not without at least fifty showers. Allen is a fast little shit--certainly not as fast as her, but damn. Sparring with him is always a nightmare, especially when she lets him use clown belt.

When she surfaces, Allen is staring contemplatively at the wall, grey eyes serious and thoughtful. He says, almost absentmindedly, “Master always fucked them and broke their hearts afterwards. It didn't matter if they were whores or princesses--” (Lenalee twitches violently at that, because if Cross has actually had sex with a princess then--) “--he always treated them like dirt afterward.” Allen shrugs, almost embarrassed, and turns away. “I always make sure my partners and I are on the same page before we do anything. I like sex, but I'm not like Master. I don't want to be.”

Lenalee finds herself unexpectedly touched by that. She can see that perfectly, though--little Allen, watching as another girl tumbles from his Master’s room, tears streaming down her cheeks, clothes in a disarray. She can also see little Allen's heart breaking in time with hers, and resolving never to be like that. She respects General Cross, she really does, but he is such a giant dick sometimes.

She dutifully reports all this back to Kanda and Lavi, who have become her loyal (or indifferent) confidants regarding this whole business. To her surprise, neither of them look at all surprised by this revelation.

“Who even fucking cares.” Kanda mutters into his soba. Lenalee knows that this is a lie, because the person who reads the Black Order gossip rags even more than she does is him. 

Lavi, though, is nodding very thoughtfully, as though this was all according to his expectations. “We always knew that his Master influenced him greatly.” He shrugs. “He already hates alcohol and debts because of that guy--why not this?”

Lenalee concedes that it does make a certain sort of sense. Kanda kind of grunts under his breath, but there's this sheen in his eyes that says he is listening very intently and pretending not to be. It's honestly kind of embarrassing how obvious he is.

“But here's what I want to know.” Lavi said, tapping his index finger on the table in front of Lenalee. He gives her a grim look, made all the more intense by the fact that he only has one eye. “Is he actually any _good_?”

The three of them consider that for a second.

Finally, Kanda offers, “Are you fucking kidding me? The Beansprout? Good at _sex_?” Then he lets out a subdued wheeze, which for anyone else would be a loud, mean cackle of laughter. 

Lenalee lightly slaps his shoulder, bringing him back down to earth. She gives him a disapproving frown. “Kanda, he gets action at least twice a week from _different people_. Either there are a lot of people in this Order that are willing to give pity sex to nineteen year olds, or he's doing something right.”

Just then, Allen walks into the cafeteria. Immediately half of everyone there nearly falls over themselves waving at him, trying to get his attention. Another fourth, the more subdued population, are blushing at their plates in a way that definitely means something. Which means that Allen has had sex with at least two thirds of the people in the Order, including the scientists and nurses. 

Lavi jumps from his seat like he's just been burned, while Lenalee and Kanda are staring at the rest of the cafeteria in silent fascination. They turn to look at him, blinking in unison. 

“I need to know.” Lavi says, and then he drags a hand through his vibrant red hair, puts on a sultry smirk, and struts over to stand next to Allen. The latter seems surprised by the attention, but not unreceptive; in fact, mere seconds later, accompanying a shy smile is an innocent touch to Lavi’s bicep. Allen nods, laughs demurely into his glove, and then says something that makes the Bookman Jr. blush to the tips of his ears.

“He wouldn't.” Lenalee whispers, staring wide-eyed at what her friend is very clearly not doing. He's not trying to flirt Allen into having sex. He wouldn't dare. 

Kanda just sighs and shakes his head, before grabbing the idiot's plate of food and dumping it into the bowl of soba….juice left behind. He begins mixing it together with a very angry ferocity that makes Lenalee lean away slightly. “The Rabbit is an idiot. Let him do what he wants.”

Lenalee turns to look at Kanda, very slowly. She watches him, whacking away at that bowl of soba juice and vegetables, and has a sudden realization. “You approve of him doing this!” She gasps out, stunned. “You want to know too!”

Kanda reacts so quickly that he actually breaks his chopsticks, snapping them in his iron-tight grip. “Shut up!” He grits out, and then throws the broken utensils on the table. “I do not!”

It's like he just screamed out his admission to the world. Lenalee knows what he sounds like when he's lying through his teeth. It sounds a lot like this. 

“You totally do!” She shouts, and then scrambles to chase him out of the cafeteria as he bolts.

The next morning, Lavi comes to the table and just sort of….sits there. He holds onto the coffee that Lenalee handed to him like he's not entirely certain as to what he's supposed to do with it, and looks confused and a little dazed. She honestly can't say whether or not he's ignoring their interrogatory looks or whether he just hasn't noticed them, he's that out of it.

Kanda, predictably, breaks first. 

“Well?!” The swordsman demands.

Lavi shakes himself, and finally looks up from the coffee. He looks no less befuddled.  
“Sorry, did you say something?”

Lenalee jumps in before Kanda can leap across the table and strangle the red head. “How was last night?”

Lavi nods a little to himself, as though she just revealed the secrets of the universe to him. Which is odd, because she was the one who asked the question. “I…” he says, licking his lips, and then suddenly downing the coffee like a shot. It is a full cup, and the water is just shy of boiling, but he manages it anyway. “Suddenly understand. Everything. I understand everything.”

“So he's good?” Lenalee asks eagerly, trying to press for as many details as she possibly can. Kanda is a dark and ominous shadow beside her, watching the Bookman Jr. with luminous, unblinking eyes.

“I….” He begins, but suddenly Allen comes up behind him and puts a hand very lightly on the back of his neck. It should be an innocent touch, a barely there scrape of fingernails on skin, almost friendly. Except that Lavi’s pupil blows so wide that all she can see is black, and his whole body tenses up. A strangled noise drifts up from the base of his throat.

Allen retracts his hand, smiling very serenely at them all, and sits down beside his suddenly very wound up friend. “Morning everyone. Did you all have a good night?” He says this very brightly, in what Lavi has come to dub as the 'post-coital smug voice’ that has mystified them for ages.

Lavi just lets out another groan, and they get nothing more out of him for the rest of the morning.

(Much, much later, when Allen is far away and Lavi is mostly recovered, Lenalee asks, again, how it went. 

Once again, Lavi’s gaze goes a little distant, and a slight flush rises to his cheekbones. But at least he isn't making those sounds again, thank God. He thinks for a while, before eventually saying, “Allen is a dirty, dirty boy who is very good at sex.” And he refuses to say anything more.

Kanda dutifully writes this down in the little black book he has started carrying with him at all times, but he seems anything but happy about it. “What's the fucking point of having him do it and then not giving any details?” He complains. Lenalee can't help but agree.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: this has turned into a 5 times plus 1 thing k? k


	3. What's up Cross

   
Cross comes to the Black Order, and the first thing he asks when he gets there is, “Okay, how many of you has the brat fucked?”  
   
For a second everyone in the room is frozen, too shocked by that statement to even attempt to form a response. Well, everyone except for Allen, who is very casually sipping tea from a tiny teacup, looking for all the world as though this has nothing to do with him. He sighs a little, and just like that all attention immediately hones in on him.   
   
“Really, Master.” Allen says, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “You could’ve found a nicer way to ask that.”  
   
“Uh, yeah. Fuck no.” Cross lets out a growl, and strides over to where Allen is sitting, placing one hand on the back of the couch next to his apprentice’s head. He leans, in, long red hair slipping down his shoulders like raw silk, and _hello_. That’s certainly an attractive picture that Lenalee did not need. What makes it twenty times worse is that she knows if they didn’t absolutely hate each other, they would probably get along famously in bed. “How about you tell me exactly how many you’ve gotten to here?”  
   
Allen stares at Cross for a moment, a bland expression on his pale face, which just means that he’s trying to piss the older man off. His fiendish little apprentice lets the man stew for a moment, getting increasingly more agitated judging by the twitching in the hand not on the couch, before he finally says, in a voice that is just full of wicked innuendo, “The more appropriate question, Master, is how many people _haven’t_ I gotten to.”  
   
Cross lets out a sound that bears a remarkable similarity to a scream of pain, rearing back from his apprentice like he has the plague. “I fucking hate you, brat.” He turns to Komui, who is very busily filling out his paperwork like he’s never seen something so interesting in all his life. “Lee, what the fuck were you thinking, letting this brat have sex with anyone who looked at him?”  
   
Komui just shrugs a little and mumbles something into the desk, which Cross seems to think means that her brother is just avoiding him. However, Lenalee knows better. Lenalee is the only person who’s seen this part of Komui. This was the Komui that rolled in through her window at two in the morning, looking very satisfied with himself, and then embarrassed to find his little sister awake and staring at him. This was the side of him that had wincingly sat his little sister down, and said, “Listen, Lena, a man has needs at certain times, and--”  
   
 _“Brother!”_ Lenalee shouts, her voice aghast and carrying across the entire room. Komui hunches even deeper over his paperwork, and Allen is still just sitting there on the couch, smirking.   
   
Cross immediately understands why she’s so incensed, and rounds on the eldest Lee as well, face turning an apoplectic red. “You too, Lee?” Then he looks at his apprentice, who has not moved an inch, besides slowly drinking his tea from his cup. “Who the fuck haven’t you fucked, you horny little shit?”  
   
Allen thinks about that for a moment. He actually has to think about that for more than a moment, setting down his cup to count with his fingers. Cross is so disgusted he throws his hands into the air and lets out another intelligible shriek.   
   
“Tiedoll.” The white-haired boy finally says, and picks up his cup again. It’s probably an exaggeration. One hopes.  
   
Cross looks at Tiedoll, who has been sitting in a corner crying over his grumpiest apprentice for some reason. Kanda looks as though he’s trying to vibrate through the molecules of his seat to escape, his expression deadly. Cross starts muttering under his breath and stalks away, something about alcohol and getting very, _very_ drunk.   
   
Lenalee sympathizes. Or she would, if she wasn’t advancing on her eldest brother, who had sex with a kid _six years his junior_. He does not get to make fun of her for her preferences any longer, and he especially does not get to keep screening all the men she ever talks to!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have made an error
> 
> I have written myself into a corner on Frying Pan or Fire 
> 
> Therefore this gets another chapter


	4. oh fuck he's hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read the title

“Oh no.” Allen whispers softly at the sight of Tykki Mikk, the Noah, their sworn enemy. 

“What?” Lenalee demands, a little alarmed by the stricken expression on the other teen’s face. Next to her, Lavi’s grip tightens around her hand, expression dark. It’s been a hectic couple of days; first losing the ability to use her Innocence, then losing Allen, then finding him again...and now this. This stupid fucking maze of an Ark. She’s worried about Kanda and Krory, and they’re trapped in this stupid fucking _Ark_. If there’s something seriously wrong with Kanda or Krory, she is going to punt the next person she sees off the top of this fucking tower--

“He’s _hot_.” Allen sighs, patting his chest faintly. 

Next to them, Chaoji lets out a disbelieving squawk. 

Seemingly oblivious to their horrified looks, Allen continues, “I didn’t notice before, when he was ripping my heart out--”

Lenalee chokes on air, “He _what_?” 

“--but he is extremely attractive.” Allen sighs, as though he is deeply disappointed about this turn of events. “It’s really quite tragic we have to kill him.”

Chaoji looks like he’s actually ready to explode out of his own skin, face turning a worrying shade of purple. The other two finders just look shocked, as though they think they’re hallucinating. And Lavi--Lavi just looks resigned, as though he’s accepted his lot in life, the one that will lead to his inevitable premature death. 

“Is this _really_ the time?” Lenalee hisses, eyeing Chaoji nervously. 

Allen thinks about that for a moment, his hand still resting on his chest. Then he sighs, and concedes, “I suppose not.”

And Lenalee is relieved. She is so, so relieved, she doesn’t actually throw Allen off the top of the tower like she wants to. 

Later, when Tykki has been has been defeated and the Ark is crumbling around them, Allen looks over at the ex-Noah and says, “We shouldn’t just leave him here.”

Lenalee looks over at Tykki Mikk, who ripped out her best friend’s heart and has tried to kill them on multiple occasions. She looks back up at Allen and says, as dryly as she can manage, “I see no problem.”

“But Lenalee,” Allen says stubbornly, “Have you looked at his unfairly handsome _face_.” Like that changes anything. Like that makes him not a serial killer. If they get out of this alive, Lenalee is going to have so much to tell Kanda. In fact, she wishes Kanda was here right now, so she would have someone to commiserate with. 

“I’m beginning to question your priorities,” Lenalee informs him tartly, but then she looks at him-- _really_ looks at him, and sees the grimness in his eyes. She sees someone who will not condemn a man simply for being a vessel of the enemy. She glances over at Lavi, who gives her a weak, lost look. 

Enough people have died today. 

So Lenalee strides over and helps him lift the unconscious man all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allen can't get his priorities straight he's not even STRAIGHT


	5. Link you're ruining the feng shui

There’s a little parasite following Allen around. 

The parasite says that he’s not there for nefarious purposes, that his name is Link and he’s the most innocent little angel, would you like some pie?

Lenalee does not trust him. Not at _all_. 

“He’s messing with my results.” Kanda mutters, scrawling so angrily in the little black book that the paper tears under his fingers. Kanda has Allen’s habits down to a science. Or he did, until Link the friendly parasite came and started ruining everything. “The beansprout’s behavior changed when Spots started following him around. I don’t think he’s had sex in over a week.”

Lavi stares at Kanda incredulously.“I think you’re _way_ too invested in Allen’s sex life. Don’t you have to go train or something?”

Lenalee laughs a little when Kanda tries to lunge across the table and strangle the life out of the Bookman. (She then has to reach over and physically drag Kanda back into his seat by his collar, because Lavi makes Kanda’s temper ratchet up from 0 to 100, seemingly without even trying.) “Lavi, weren’t you the one who prepositioned Allen out of curiosity?” She asks, a little chidingly, and is rewarded with an utterly betrayed look. “I give it about a week before Link gives in.”

“I give it a day.” Lavi says, with the calm certainty of one who has experienced the power of the Black Order’s Casanova. 

Kanda narrows his eyes and says, probably just to spite the two of them, “It’s not going to happen. Ever.” 

As far as Lenalee knows, the only people Allen _hasn’t_ had sex with are ancient, children, not attracted to him and Lou Hua. Unless Link is extremely straight and/or likely to get attached, she doubts that Kanda’s bet will hold any water. 

And yet. 

Another week goes by, and Allen’s sexual exploits have seemingly just...stopped. All at once. Where before all the gossip was about all the action he was getting, now all the gossip is about all the action he _isn’t_ getting. 

It’s clearly affecting him; whenever Lenalee looks at Allen, his face has an odd tension that it never used to have. He acts a little more nervous, a little more high-strung. Lenalee hadn’t realized how much all that sex had been relaxing him until he’d stopped. 

And Link, the person who caused the dry spell, is apparently oblivious to it all. He doesn’t even seem to notice Allen scowling in frustration at the table, like it’s done him a personal offense. Maybe it’s because he never actually met Allen when he was regularly having sex; this must seem normal to him, for the most part. 

“I think…” Lenalee says, resting her head on her palm as she watches Allen poke half-heartedly at his food while Link stands nearby, scornful and alert. “I think it’s because he’d get attached.”

“The guard dog?” Lavi asks, barely moving his lips to keep the other two from hearing him. “No way. Allen’s a filthy Noah to him, remember?”

And that sentence leaves a sour taste in her mouth, makes her forehead wrinkle slightly without her permission. She hates the things people say about Allen now, and she knows that the sudden dry spell isn’t entirely due to the watchful eye. But there’s nothing she can really do about it, so she says instead, “Yeah, but--he acts like the perfect henchmen, but you can tell he still has his humanity. He’s around Allen too much. Once he sees who Allen really is--you know, the one who wants to save people and has a good heart--he’s going to get fond. And the sex--”

“Yeah, alright.” Lavi sighs, leaning back in his seat. “I see what you mean, damn it.”

“Does this mean I win?” A voice asks from directly behind them, and the duo jumps. 

“K-Kanda!” Lenalee wheezes. “What do you mean--”

“The bet.” The samurai says smugly, and shoves Lavi to the side so he can slide in between the two of them. “I win. They’re never going to have sex. Also, we need to do something about this.”

“Why would you want to help Allen have sex again?” Lavi demands, and Lenalee blinks at him, feeling as though she’s suddenly two steps behind in this conversation. “You hate him.”

“It’s the gossip rags.” Lenalee says almost without thinking, her brain finally catching up. “Now that Allen’s not having sex anymore, they’ve become quite dull.”

“Ah.” Lavi says faintly, but his quiet voice is drowned out by Kanda letting out a heart-stopping snarl in Lenalee’s general direction. Luckily for her, he’s too scared of Komui to actually do anything. But it does effectively end their conversation, since Allen looks up at the sound, alarmed. 

They wave innocently, before beating a hasty retreat.

\--

“Listen, Link.” Lenalee says to the blond man, leaning all of her weight onto the table in front of him. “We need to talk.”

Link looks up at her, then over at his charge at a table nearby, who is sighing as he trawls through crate after crate of books. He seems to think very hard about something for a moment, but in that time Lenalee has been joined by both Lavi and Kanda, flanking her like twisted guard dogs. Or more appropriately, attack dogs.

Link sends one last look over at Allen, as though expecting a rescue, and then sighs deeply, setting his own book down on the table. “I seem to be a captive audience.” He says mildly, not even attempting a semblance of politeness. 

“You are.” Lenalee tells him, before dropping into the chair across from him. Kanda and Lavi don’t sit down, though Kanda does loom menacingly in Link’s direction. “First things first--what can you tell me about Allen Walker?”

“Allen...Walker?” Link says slowly, canting his head as though he’s not sure what to make of the name. “You mean Allen Walker, your friend, the one I’m--” he points across the room toward the groaning tower of books, as though there was any doubt as to who she was referring to.

“Yes,” Lenalee smiles through her impatience. “We both know only one person by the name of Allen Walker. Now, what can you tell me about him?”

Link glances at Kanda and Lavi warily, and says, “Ex-apprentice of General Cross Marian, parasitic Innocence in his left arm, the holder of one of the Noah…was there something specific you were hoping for?”

Lenalee smiles a bit wider and opens her mouth--but Kanda beats her to it. 

“So no one’s told you that he’s a manic sex addict.” He says gleefully, leaning over her shoulder and directly into Link’s face. 

Link physically recoils, while Lavi reaches over and attempts to reel Kanda back in, with little success. “A _what?_ ” 

“Kanda,” Lenalee hisses, glancing over at Allen nervously, “Be _have_.”

Allen looks up at the hushed exclamations, and turns his curious silver eyes on them. The other three are frozen in what seems to be horror, so Lenalee raises a hand and waves as casually as she can. His eyes track over the boys, looking vaguely uncertain, before he hesitantly waves back at her. Then, slowly, he shifts so he’s looking back at the books, obviously mentally deciding that it isn't worth the trouble. 

The group sighs in relief, before getting back to the matter at hand. 

“Wait, wait.” Link murmurs, though his enormous eyes betray his otherwise steady tone. “What do you mean a _manic sex addict_?” 

The Bookman Jr. steps in here, adopting a clinical tone, “See, Allen inherited some of his master’s...habits. I think he’s slept with the majority of the people in the European Black Order alone.”

Link drums his fingers on the desk, irritated, before leaning back in his seat and folding his arms over his chest. Eventually he shakes his head. “You’re lying.”

Kanda’s growl rumbles deep in his chest. “We’re not.”

“Then why haven’t I seen any evidence of this...promiscuous behavior?” Link counters, his tongue curling around the word _promiscuous_ like a curse. 

“He doesn’t want to disturb you.” Lenalee tells him gently, “Now that you’re in the room, anything he gets up to…”

“But it’s starting to affect his behavior.” Lavi cuts in, his voice carefully blank and blunt where Lenalee’s is soft. “He’s grumpier than he was, and more standoffish. You need to leave his room every couple of days, let him have some time on his own.” 

“Ex _cuse_ me?” Link demands, incredulous. “You want me to abandon my post so the boy can have _sex_?” 

“Keep your voice down!” Lenalee hisses. 

He sends her a deeply poisonous look, but the next time he speaks, his voice is moderated into something that cannot be heard so easily. “You are _insane._ ”

“If I have to read another article about Johnny’s _pet lizard,_ ” Kanda growls, “I am going to start cutting things, and the first thing I am going to cut is you.” To emphasize his point, the swordsman slides Muugen halfway out of its sheath, just so the light can reflect dully off the razor sharp blade. “I would think very hard about my priorities.”

“It’s messing with the _feng shui_.” Lavi adds, in a tone which could almost be called confidential. "Allen without sex is like Kanda without his bad attitude. It just makes everything weird."

Link stares at them all; from Kanda, face dark and twisted, to Lavi, who appears to be more aloof and unreadable than usual. Finally he looks to Lenalee, with her big, sympathetic eyes and her gentle words. And he also feels her Innocence, the Dark Boots, pressing down threateningly on top of his delicate feet. 

“...very well.” Link mutters, and the second he feels the Dark Boots lift he springs from the chair, ignoring the odd looks he’s getting from Kanda and Lavi. “I’ll see what I can do.”

\--

“Someone looks as though he had a good night.” Lavi’s voice rings out, and Lenalee turns in her chair, blinking in bemusement at the sight before her. 

Allen is strolling toward them, his white button-up rumpled and half undone, a yawn touching the corners of his mouth. He stretches his arms above his head, and Lenalee just barely catches a wealth of dark bruises trailing up his stomach before he relaxes. Every movement is lazy and casual, sinuous in a way it hasn't been in several weeks.

“Morning everyone.” Allen’s voice is a husky purr, and the sound of it sends a shiver up Lenalee’s spine. In front of her, Lavi’s pupils visibly dilate. Kanda’s book is out, and there is a suspicious gleam in his eyes. “And yes, I did. I had a wonderful night, in fact.”

Lenalee catches Link’s gaze out of the corner of her eyes, and holds it. To her deep satisfaction, he looks away first. 

Lenalee turns back to her food and hides a smile behind the rim of her water glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really want to get this story finished before college starts again so expect another chapter within the next week or so
> 
> also would you guys prefer a super angsty final chapter or a light one?? vote now on your iphones
> 
> i'm being serious tho what do you guys want


	6. With fronds like these

+1

“Lavi!” Allen howls, throwing himself headfirst into the Bookman Jr.’s chest. Lavi catches him and lifts him out of the way, just as Komui’s latest invention slams into the spot where they were just standing. 

“When I said distract it, I didn’t fucking mean try and _seduce_ it!” Lavi wails back, and throws Allen over one shoulder. Kanda slides on the tile floor beside them, his long hair loose and fanned out behind him like a halo. 

Allen shrugs as best as he can, hanging limply like a sack of potatoes from his friend’s shoulder. He’s already been hit by a paralysis dart when the robot decided it wanted to keep Allen forever, and it has yet to wear off. “It’s worked for me before, I don’t see why I should--FUCK LAVI GO GO GO--” 

The robot lets out a loud cooing noise as Lavi dodges the tranquilizer darts that were clearly meant for Allen. He tries to claw his fists desperately in Lavi’s back for another couple of seconds, as though that will make his friend go faster. Considering he can barely twitch a finger, it fails spectacularly. 

Kanda, cool as a cucumber, leaps forward impossibly fast and makes to cut the robot in two. 

_“WAIT!”_ Komui wails, and predictably throws himself in front of the robot. Kanda lets out a curse and barely manages to deflect Muugen. “He’s just a boy, he doesn’t know what he’s doing!” 

“Boy my ass,” Allen hisses, and feels Lavi choke on a laugh.

Lenalee suddenly slams into the air beside Komui, and gives her big brother a well-deserved, decisive kick to the side. He lets out a shriek as he falls from the robot, but Lenalee ignores him. Instead she shouts, “Kanda, now!” 

The robot dies in a spectacular show of swordsmanship. Allen thinks about congratulating the performance, but he and Kanda actually don’t get along, so he just laughs along with Lavi instead. 

\-----

 

“Mmmm.” Lenalee hums later from around her bubblegum, popping it absentmindedly from somewhere above Allen’s head. Her hands, quick yet gentle, are coaxing his hair into a short, elegant braid. He still can’t move his legs, which means he’s been at the whims of the other exorcists all afternoon. Luckily, Lenalee and Lavi have managed to mostly protect Allen from Kanda’s sense of humor. “I have no idea why Link would be acting strange. We haven’t said anything to him.”

Allen tries to turn around so he can send Lenalee an incredulous look, but she shushes at him and tugs a little at his hair to prevent his head from turning. He has no choice but to squint suspiciously at Lavi, sprawled over the bean bag chair in the corner, and Kanda, leaning against the side of the chair. “You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you. Last night, Link told me he’d be gone several hours washing his hair.”

At this, Kanda and Lavi share a look, though Allen can’t read the emotion behind it, whether it be incredulity or amusement. Maybe a little of both.

“He does have very shiny hair.” Lavi finally offers, “It must take a lot of work to get it looking that nice.”

Lenalee’s legs shake as she laughs at Lavi, and Allen is not fooled. He has seen Link’s toiletries, and the most he has is a single brush and a bottle of generic shampoo. But all the same, he sees that he’s not going to win this battle. Lavi is a steel trap on his best days, Kanda is more likely to kill him than to tell him, and whenever he asks Lenalee she just smiles smugly at him. So instead he just sighs, and lets his eyes close and his head thump back against Lenalee’s knees. 

There’s silence for the next couple of minutes, while Lenalee’s slim fingers in his hair lull him into a drowsy state. The pages of Lavi’s book flutter as he turns them, and he feels rather than sees when Kanda folds his legs underneath him and starts meditating, as calm and steady as a rock. 

He is warm, he feels safe, and he is surrounded by people he would trust with his life. Something aches in his chest, very gently. He’s not sure what it is though, can’t give it a name. 

“Thank you.” He says suddenly, the words falling out of his lips before his half-asleep mind can stop them. He’s not even entirely sure why he did say them, to tell the truth, and he’s too tired to care. 

Lenalee’s hands pause in their movements; she’s long since finished the braid, but she’s been carding through his loose hair ever since. He feels Lavi’s and Kanda’s attention hone in on him like a beacon. 

He’s not sure how to explain to them, though, the feeling that he gets whenever he thinks about someone caring enough to corner a government watchdog for him. He’s not sure how to explain to them that he’d never thought he’d be here, so comfortable in another’s presence that he could relax enough to sleep. The gentle ache in his chest tells him it’s important though, more important than anything else. 

So when Lenalee prompts, very softly, “What for?”

“For being my friends.” He murmurs, and hopes that it is enough for them to understand. Sleep is a gentle rumble on the horizon, his surroundings becoming distant, like a boat drifting away from the shore. 

There’s a moment of silence, and Allen’s consciousness wavers. 

Then the gentle, rhythmic carding begins again, and Lenalee sighs, “Oh Allen. As if we could be anything else.”

 

+Bonus

“Kanda…” Allen asks slowly, with dawning horror. “What...is this?”

Kanda looks up sharply, and his eyes fixate on the little black book that Allen is holding. His pupils dilate with pure terror. 

Before Allen can even attempt to form a reaction, Kanda vanishes, literally into thin air. A second later, the book disappears from between his fingertips. The only thing he saw was a slight haze that his eyes couldn't follow. 

Then Kanda reappears--and wasn’t that fascinating, Allen has never seen someone astral project like that before--and hisses, _“It’snoneofyourbusinessnowshutthefuckup.”_

And honestly, Allen is--too afraid to ask. He’s just going to pretend he didn’t see anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow guys, it's been a wild ride!
> 
> honestly though, thank you everyone who's been reviewing this fic. it makes me so happy whenever i see them, and i love seeing y'alls opinions!
> 
> for those of you who wanted an angst ending--don't worry, I haven't forgotten. i actually had the angst ending written before i finished chapter three, but more people wanted the soft ending. i'm going to post the angst ending as a separate fic and tag it as the second part of a series. look forward to it! 
> 
> happy new year!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you approve?


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